It happens again. That same, crippled communication where both of us are delivering well-worn lines, both of us aware that we are trapped here. Neither of us wants this. Neither of us knows how to break the cycle. Like debris in a storm, the scattered puzzle pieces of popular lists,”10 things to do when…” and “7 ways to…” fly aimlessly around in the outskirts of our minds, but we are too frazzled to reach them.
What do we do then?
When our blood pressure roars mind-numbingly in our ears and our chest is exploding and we feel hunted, running senselessly through the wilderness of human interaction, semi-conscious of the carnage left behind the trail of these ravaging emotions… Somewhere under it all, we are screaming, “Somebody, help!”
And that’s all I know: Somebody will help. Not just anybody – not my girlfriends, not the people I could gather around me in agreement, and not all the distant advisors on Facebook.
But He who wove us both together in our mothers’ wombs, He who can calm the winds and waves, and who values love above all else.
Battered and bruised from the tempest inside and the tension between us, from under all this rubble, I cry for Him, “Find me here, Jesus. Find us both.”
And He does. As my frenetic breathing begins to slow down, I inhale His peace and exhale my clenched agitation. (In) You are God and You are good. (Out) we can’t fix loosen this knot, but You can. (In) You know all our broken fragility, and You love us. (Out) we are blind in this maze, but You guide us. (In) we are safe. (Out) we are safe.
In the Presence of Peace, I remember grace. I remember how He has always replaced my ashes with His beauty. The many messes I’ve made, He has cleaned up. The wounds I have inflicted and received, He has healed and from their scars brought healing for others. Who does that?!
There is an accuser who always finds faults.
There is a Redeemer who restores and insists that love never fails. There is us, torn between their voices.
The latest argument is still blood on my hands. Unresolved until I extend the beautiful mercy that found me. I no longer ache to be understood or to be right. Instead, the burning behind my eyes is the longing to caress the soul I injured.
It will happen again. But I pray that next time, I’ll reach out for our Healer before I take the accuser’s bait. Love is war, but never me against you. Rather, acceptance vs. perfectionism, compassion vs. self-interest, forgiveness vs. resentment. If fighting is unavoidable, let us fight well, FOR each other, for love.
“In Your justice and Your mercy
Heaven walked the broken road
Here to fight this sinner’s battle
Here to make my fall Your own
Turn my eyes to see Your face
As all my fears surrender
Hold my heart within this grace
Where burden turns to wonder
And I will fight to follow. I will fight for love”
~ Hillsong United